Exclusive: Republican Party Linked to Porn Biz

The Republican Party has something in common with the Porn Industry: a lack of enthusiasm for condoms. During the fight for the primaries, the Condom Question came up more often than at a Senior Prom. I guess this is an important issue to the conservative wing of the party. Time and time again, Republicans have voted against programs that would give free condoms to help control sexually transmitted diseases. Now some local governments are forcing the porn industry to use condoms without any thought of the Constitution. I'm sure the G.O.P. feels that those activist judges in black robes should not be telling those active actors in black socks what to do. 

Certain communities – including Los Angeles – have passed legislation that says that condoms must be used in any porn movie made in their jurisdiction. Those who make porn are outraged. They say that their profits will become flaccid. Evidently, porn watchers don't think sex scenes with condoms are a sexy as those that are condom-less.

This is an issue that must rankle Republicans. Here we go again with governmental interference and over-regulation of free enterprise. These kinds of laws will cost jobs, not create them. There are actors, writers, and dry cleaners who will suffer. Besides, why should we force people to worry about their health if they don't want to? Do we really want the "Nanny State?" (By the way, there might be a porn movie called, "The Nanny State)."

This is a perfect issue for Republicans to embrace – the natural way. I'm sure they can frame it as a religious issue, possibly pointing out that with all the "begatting," the word "condom" is not mentioned in the Bible. 

This Anti-Condoms In Porn movement also would be appealing to the Republican base. There was a Harvard Business School survey that studied credit card receipts for online porn and then adjusted those results for population. That survey discovered that those states that consume the most pornography tend to be more conservative and religious than states whose residents watch less porn. Now we know what goes on at Tea Party parties. 

Residents of states that have laws banning gay marriage have 11% more porn subscribers than states that don't restrict gay marriage. I wonder what passage of the Bible they twist around to rationalize that little hobby.

Adjusted for population, Utah is the biggest consumer of online pornography. Utah! Eight of the top 10 pornography-consuming states gave their electoral votes to John McCain in the last election. The two states on the Top 10 list that went for Obama were Hawaii and Florida. We all know how important Florida is in a Presidential election, so I'm sure Republican strategists are keeping this in mind. Don't be surprised if you see Mitt Romney touring the Sunshine State and declaring that his favorite movie is, "When Harry Met Sally ...  and Kimberly and Zoey." 

Some people criticize Republicans for often interpreting the Constitution however it suits them. For this issue, there can be no charges of that. It is clear that those who framed the Constitution and were committed to personal freedom were thinking about cases exactly like this. In fact, I believe it was Alexander Hamilton who said that the kind of circumstance that must be protected is the situation in which a lonely housewife in a bikini doesn't have enough cash to pay the pizza delivery guy when her husband's not around. Or was it Madison?

BANG BANG, YOU'RE DRESSED

For those of you who are worried that the fashion industry is ignoring America's gun owners, stop worrying. According to a recent article in the

New York Times

"Woolrich, the long-established clothing company, is now making clothes that come with a place to hide handguns and other weapons. So the next time you're doing your holiday shopping, you might hear the customer in front of you saying, "I'd like to buy a pair of pants with cuffs, a low rise, and a gun holster waistband. And please wrap that as a Christmas gift."

 Woolrich makes it clear that this clothing is not for self-styled commandos. Instead, it is for the "fashion aware gun owner." I guess that means soon there will be fashion shows with models walking down the runway wearing Glock-concealing thongs.

 Several other clothing manufacturers now make clothes for people who carry concealed handguns who have been annoyed by that pesky gun bulge in traditional clothes. What's the point of carrying a concealed weapon if your clothes don't allow it to be concealed?

The sales of this kind of clothing has increased dramatically over the past few years as more and more states have allowed people to carry concealed weapons. I've never understood the point of carrying a concealed weapon for protection. If you really want to deter someone from attacking you or robbing your house, wouldn't they be more discouraged if they saw you were carrying a gun? You know, as in, "I'm not going to mess with that guy. He's got a gun." I'm sure I'll become enlightened on this when I receive explanations from those readers who carry concealed weapons. I just hope they are wearing clothes that allow them to email comfortably while carrying. 

Under Armour is another company that will soon be weapons-fashionable. Under Armour is known for its athletic wear. Soon, fans will be able to wear their weapon hiding Under Armour clothes while attending high school, college, and pro sports games. This is great, because there's not enough fan violence at sporting events.

Fans? Wait a minute. Why limit weapon hiding clothes to the fans at games? How about the players? Wouldn't they be perfect for athletes who want a little extra protection? I can hear the slogan now: "Sometimes a helmet and shoulder pads just aren't enough." Crowds won't be limited to shouting, "Defense, Defense" during games. Soon they'll be crying out, "Self-defense, Self-defense."

I'm sure aggressive manufacturers will not forget another important demographic: babies. The National Rifle Association's website talks about safety and how important it is to educate young children about firearms. They even have suggestions for a school program for kids in pre-kindergarten. So if parents hide their guns in their babies' special diapers, they'll be accomplishing two things. First, they'll get their tots to feel more comfortable around guns. Secondly, they'll be prepared to ward off any violent parents who cut in front of them at Babies R' Us. 

There is bound to be a bit of a transition time. So don't be surprised if you see someone turn to a cop to say, "I swear. I didn't know the diaper was loaded."