Set My People Free From ...?

Civilization as we know it is just about to come to an end. I came across a new piece of evidence of this just last week. At the Passover Seder I attended, guests actually had the option of regular or gluten-free matzos. Let me repeat that phrase: "gluten-free matzos." For thousands of years, Jews have been able to eat regular matzos without there being a problem. I don't believe that any medical study has determined that the incidence of gluten related digestive problems spikes every Passover. However, now that it's 2012, there has to be gluten-free matzos. I guess soon we'll be reading in a new version of the Bible that Moses led his flock to the Red Sea and said, "Okay, everybody stop. If you're gluten-sensitive, remove that unleavened bread from your backs and return to slavery in Egypt. For the rest of you, have I got a surprise about what I'm going to do with this Red Sea."

In case you're wondering, yes, there was a person at the dinner who was lactose intolerant. We're used to that. On the other hand, Gluten intolerance is relatively new to us. A while back, hypoglycemia was all the rage. What happened to that? Did all the hypoglycemiacs disappear?

Don't get me wrong. I have complete compassion for people with medical problems who require a special diet. I'm thrilled that a change in diet can be a lifesaver for them. Gluten is a protein in wheat and some other grains that certain people just can't tolerate. For them, it can be very dangerous to eat foods that contain gluten.

However, in addition to those who actually suffer from dietary conditions, I have a sneaky suspicion that there are a whole bunch of people who suffer from the condition that I'll call, "Hey, maybe I have that."

So, there are two distinct groups of people. One group consists of those who have had medical tests and/or their doctors have told them that they have some food intolerance. The other group consists of people who think they have this condition because their cousin told them they do, or because they read about it in a book that was on a shelf next to a book like, "Eat Watermelon for a Month and Get Taller."

A particularly annoying feature of those in Group Two is that they talk loudly and incessantly about their alleged condition. I'm pretty sure that those who really have dietary problems don't shout about them in restaurants or monopolize the conversation by talking about them at dinner parties.

Those who would take umbrage from my saying that they might suffer from "Hey, maybe I have that," may say that if they don't really have that condition, why do they feel better on their lactose-, gluten-, or whatever-free diets? The simple answer is that they are probably eating healthier now. Maybe they've eliminated a great deal of junk or fattening foods. Even if it is based on an illusion, eating better is a good thing. I'm happy that they're getting healthier. Just stop talking about it.

I'm really tired of hearing a waiter tell me a restaurant's specials and have him say things like their cream of mushroom soup is dairy free. In addition, I certainly don't want to know what artificial ingredient (that we'll soon learn is dangerous) has replaced milk in that soup.

It's gotten completely out of control. There is actually a website called testyourintoleranceusa.com. For a mere eighty-five dollars, they will test you for 600 food and non-food intolerances. Of course, they won't test you for an intolerance to all of these intolerances.

Out-Tebowing Each Other

This year, like every election year, candidates are scrambling for endorsements. This time around, it doesn't seem to matter who the endorser is. They just want to have a lot of endorsements. For some of them, they seem to have more endorsements than they have votes.

My favorite endorsement story – so far – has to do with Newt Gingrich. The day before the New Hampshire primary, Newt bragged to his press conference audience that he had just gotten an important endorsement. Who was this well-regarded political personage? Todd Palin, Sarah's hubby.

This group of candidates – or as the Democrats refer to them, the "Field of Dreams" – seems willing to stab each other in the back for any possible edge. Last Saturday, there was a meeting in Texas of wealthy Christian conservatives who want to get behind one candidate to stop Romney from being nominated. They decided on Rick Santorum, not Texas' own Rick Perry. Perhaps it had something to do with Perry getting less than 1% of the votes in New Hampshire. In fact, he got .7%. .7%! Usually "other" gets more votes than that.

The big endorsement that all of the candidates are hoping for is that of Tim Tebow. So far, he hasn't picked any of them as his favorite. Tebow is the quarterback for the Denver Broncos who is probably known as much for celebrating his faith as he is for celebrating his touchdowns. He can often be seen on the field, kneeling and praying in a pose that looks somewhat like Rodin's "The Thinker." This pose has become so well known that people all over the world are "Tebowing."

In a campaign in which the candidates all have shouted out in one way or another, "I'm more religious than you are," each of them wants to be associated with this clean-living, talented, pious athlete. An organization called Poll Position did a survey and found that 43.3% of those interviewed believed that "divine intervention" was partly responsible for Tebow's success.

Mixing religion with sports always seems as strange to me as mixing religion with politics – although the Founding Fathers didn't call for the separation of church and football. Tebow did not have a good game this past Saturday, and the opposing quarterback Tom Brady set all kinds of records.

Maybe it's fortunate for the candidates that Tim hadn't chosen one of them to support before that game. What would've happened during his bad game if he had endorsed one of them? While watching on television, would the candidate with Tebow's blessing have started to panic? Every time Tebow was tackled, would he see his political life going down the drain? Would his speechwriters have come up with something like, "I was misquoted before. I never liked the bum?"

Probably not. It's too easy for the Tebow believers to say that Tebow's performance against New England was to make him even more humble. Tim Tebow is just too good to be true for the candidates to give up on him. Come on. In addition to everything else he has to offer, this 24-year-old jock is a self-proclaimed virgin.

You probably think I'm exaggerating about the importance of getting Tebow's endorsement. It's just too crazy, right? What candidate would be willing to have his political future dependent on a guy who spends much of his time trying to avoid being pummeled by a fierce bunch of 300-pounders with frozen snot on their faces? Any of them.