Jumping Through Hoops

Are you tired of the way nominees are grilled by Senators before they get the job? Well, get used to it. Because of today's economy, an employer can subject prospective employees to just about any kind of interview. I managed to acquire a transcript of one of these interviews – I'm not saying I got it from a Russian spy at a kid's soccer game last Saturday -- and I have printed it below. It is the story of a young woman who has applied for a cashier's job at a neighborhood super pharmacy.

HERBERT BARRINGTON: Mrs. Coogan, on behalf of management, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us to answer a few questions.

ELLEN COOGAN: You're quite welcome, Mr. Barrington, but it's Ms. Coogan, not Mrs.

ROGER MARSHALL: And representing labor, I'd like to welcome you too, Ms. Coogan.

COOGAN: Thank you, Mr. Marshall.

BARRINGTON: When you say you like to be referred to as Ms., is that just because you have no respect for traditional marriage, or have you decided to never get married?

COOGAN: I've never been married, but what does this have to do with the job?

BARRINGTON: So you hate men?

COOGAN: I don't hate men. I just haven't gotten married yet. I'm only 22.

BARRINGTON: What are you suggesting? That my 21-year-old daughter got married because she was pregnant?

COOGAN: I didn't say that.

MARSHALL: She didn't say that.

BARRINGTON: (MUMBLING ALMOST TO HIMSELF) We sell condoms in our own stores. She had to know that. She used to work here in the summers. They met in our ...

MARSHALL: Mr. Barrington.

BARRINGTON: (COMING OUT OF HIS OWN WORLD) Uh, yes. How do you feel about the rubber thumb issue?

COOGAN: I beg your pardon.

BARRINGTON: Many cashiers wear rubber thumbs over their God-given, real thumbs so they can separate bills more easily for counting. How do you feel about this practice?

COOGAN: I guess I feel it should be up to the individual to choose a rubber thumb or not.

MARSHALL: Good for you. She's pro-choice.

BARRINGTON: (AGAIN, IN HIS OWN WORLD) We don't even hide them anymore. We put them right out in the open, next to the batteries. How hard could it have been to ...

MARSHALL: Ms. Coogan, were you involved in some volunteer work while at college?

COOGAN: Yes, I read to blind veterans.

MARSHALL: How admirable. I'd like the record to show that, I too, served my country by mowing the lawn in front of the post office and...

BARRINGTON: Let's move on to a subject that concerns all Americans: Paper or plastic? If a customer has no preference, would you bag the purchases in a paper bag or in a bag made from the best plastic in the world produced by American trading partners?

COOGAN: Since you put me under oath, I'll have to say I'd go with paper. Better for the environment.

BARRINGTON: The environment? So, you admit you're a tree-hugger. I have here a copy of a paper that you wrote that is an example of radical environmentalism. You wrote this, did you not? (HANDS HER THE PAPER)

COOGAN: Yes, it was about putting pizza boxes in the recycling bin, and yucky leftover pizza in the regular trash. I wrote it in the fourth grade.

BARRINGTON: Have your views changed on this matter?

COOGAN: Not my views, but my spelling. Now I know that pizza has two "z's." Can we get back to talking about the job? How about benefits?

BARRINGTON: "Benefits?" The benefit would be that you'd have a job.

MARSHALL: Have we mentioned that she did community service work while she was in college?

BARRINGTON: Yes, and I was not impressed. Maybe some of those blind veterans would have learned to read on their own if she hadn't taken away their initiative by reading to them.

BARRINGTON: I believe in the maxim that if you give a guy some fish, he'll have something to eat, but if you teach him to fish, uh, then he can always go fishing with his buddies.

MARSHALL: What does that have to do with Ms. Coogan?

BARRINGTON: I just think... hey, where are you going, Ms. Coogan?

COOGAN: This interview is just too much for me. I'm going to apply for a job that's a little easier to get. There must be a Cabinet post that's open.

Ron Artest, Role Model?

In case you don't know who Ron Artest is, he's a basketball player who hasn't had a very good reputation. He's caused problems on some of the teams he's played for, he spent 10 days in jail because of a domestic abuse charge, and he's best known for being part of a brawl in which he punched a fan at a game. So why am I saying that he is now a very important role model?

We're used to hearing athletes after a victory thanking their mothers, coaches, and sometimes even their teammates. They often thank God, and that always seems weird to me to think that God was rooting for one team rather than the other. I'm not even sure He's a sports fan. So when the Los Angeles Lakers recently won the NBA championship, it was a little shocking to hear Ron Artest saying, "I want to thank my psychiatrist."

Artest seems to have turned his life around. He hasn't gotten in trouble lately, he's involved in some philanthropic causes, and he has started a program called Xcel University to help high-risk kids. Maybe his deciding to see a psychiatrist was another step in turning his life around.

I was somewhat amused by Artest's thanking his shrink, but a week or so later, a friend of mine said what a great thing it was that Artest made that statement. My friend, Sandra, pointed out that it was good for an athlete like Artest to admit that he was seeing a psychiatrist.

I realized that Sandra couldn't have been more right. Here was a tough, manly, macho guy telling the world that he was getting psychiatric help -- and that it was working. That's why I think, at least because of that moment, that he is an important role model.

Most male athletes -- and maybe most males -- have learned to keep their emotions to themselves. Think about the famous movie line, "There's no crying in baseball." There's also no admission of fears, anxiety, or depression in any big-time sport. Players are taught to "man up" when something bothers them. When helmets were first mandated in hockey, many players said they didn't really need them. If they have to act like they don't care about their heads getting hit by a puck, they certainly aren't going to feel comfortable admitting that something is bothering them inside their heads.

When they turn pro, athletes suddenly earn more money than they ever dreamed of. Strangers cheer their every move. And before you know it, they're in a Holiday Inn with two hookers and enough drugs to sedate the entire population of Rhode Island.

I think teams should have a therapist on the payroll and make it mandatory that rookies see him or her at least once. After that, they should know that they can go to therapy as much or as little as they want. Maybe if they see that the veterans aren't embarrassed to get help, they won't be, either.

Like many people, athletes generally only get help after they've messed up big time. Maybe Ron Artest wouldn't have been in that brawl if hehad already admitted to himself that he needed help. Maybe some of those athletes who take their guns with them to nightclubs would stay home with their families if they got help for their unspoken insecurities. Who knows? Maybe Tiger Woods would have behaved himself -- or at least stopped at two or three.

Athletes are heroes to many people, especially kids. It's refreshing that for once the message from a big time athlete is not that it's cool to drive a car 100 miles per hour, that graduating is for geeks, or that the rules of marriage only apply to women. The message was that it's cool to get help if you need it.

If a six-foot, seven-inch sports figure feels that there's no reason to be ashamed about seeing a therapist, maybe at least a few people who are shorter than he is will feel the same way. Even if it's silly, people still seem to believe that truly manly men are big, strong guys. I guess society hasn't evolved enough to realize that the real manly men are those who look fear in the eyes and man up as they grind out a column every week, without even wearing a helmet.