The Diary of Judge Feldman

Dear Diary:

Well, it's been a pretty heady time for me. A few days ago, I blocked that Presidential six-month moratorium on deep water drilling. That's right, I overruled the President of the United States. How cool is that? I got your "separation of powers" right here, Obama. It's no surprise, but some people feel I wasn't the right man to make the decision just because I've had holdings in Halliburton and Transocean Ltd., two of the companies being sued because of this little oil spill accident. Picky, picky, picky.

My decision was quite logical. What I said was, just because one rig failed, that doesn't mean that other rigs present a danger. America is the country of second chances. We gave Bush a second term, didn't we? We don't know that this kind of oil accident will happen again. It's like when a guy kills another guy. We don't know that he'll kill again, so why put him in jail? Give him another chance. If he kills somebody else, then you put him in jail.

I thought it was great when Congressman Joe Barton apologized to BP for everybody picking on BP. It's a shame that he was pressured into an apology for his apology, but he did it in a graceful manner. I have it right here, because I may use the same words someday: "If anything I have said this morning has been misconstrued to the opposite effect, I want to apologize for that misconstrued misconstruction." It's just the kind of obfuscation I like for obfuscating.

I know that supporters of Obama's drilling moratorium point out that the moratorium is not forever. It's for six months, and during that period they're supposed to figure out what went wrong and how to prevent this kind of thing from happening again. Doesn't it make more sense to keep the other rigs drilling, and if we find out what went wrong, then just fix it?

There's also been some talk about the Gulf area not being able to survive another disaster after this one. This is an insult to the people of the region. We've seen how resilient the people from New Orleans have been -- well, those who didn't move away.

This is the real world, and it's not run by seafood, fish, and other wildlife. It's run by us – federal judges who have been appointed for life. (I still can't get used to that, my beloved diary). Let's face it, which is more important: keeping stockholders happy or a little bit of oil on a few birds?

Of course, some people think I should recuse myself just because of all of the investments I have had in the oil business. They don't feel I can be fair and impartial in this case. They believe it's "conflicto interesto." To them, I say, "tough-o nougie-ohs." Like I said, I was appointed for life. Besides, my involvement in the oil industry does not affect my decisions on things. Last night, I went out to dinner – I got a great table, by the way. Anyway, I debated between the salmon and the filet mignon and went with the filet. Believe me, my choosing the steak had nothing to do with my involvement with the oil industry. That proves I can be impartial, doesn't it?

That's it for tonight, diary. Oh, I almost forgot. I got this fantastic fruit basket delivered to me today. There was no name on the card. Just initials. B.P.

Primary Mystery

Since I come from Chicago, people often tease me about the politics of my home city and state. South Carolina is starting to take the heat off my homeland when it comes to scandals. First there was Governor Mark Sanford who claimed he was hiking the Appalachian Trail while he was actually on the Adultery Trail with his Argentinean mistress. Then Nikki Haley, a candidate for the Republican nomination for Governor in the recent election was accused of having an extra-marital affair with a "conservative blogger." Who accused her? The conservative blogger. The latest shocker came when a complete unknown with no ties to powerful politicians, who had not waged a smear campaign, and who made no campaign promises won the Democratic nomination for Governor. Naturally, the professional politicians were outraged.

Alvin Greene, an unemployed veteran, beat Vic Rawl, a former judge and state lawmaker, 59% to 41%.Greene said that he ran because he had turned to the office of Republican incumbent (and candidate) U.S. Senator Jim DeMint for help in dealing with his disability, but got nowhere. When you listen to Greene talk, you certainly believe that he could have some sort of disability, so your heart goes out to him. When I first heard the story, it sounded like an old Frank Capra movie in which a non-politician, a man of the people who lives with his elderly father, whips the political insider. It was just too good to be true.

And it might be. In the movie version of this story, Greene would've made rousing speeches to the common man. Other veterans would have marched to protest the way in which they are mistreated all too often. He would've won debates with his simple, but honest talk. However, none of this happened. So how did he get elected? Also, he's currently facing charges of showing pornography to a college student. How did that fact elude his opponents? Of course, usually college students are showing the rest of us pornography.

One theory is that since South Carolina holds "open primaries," plotting Republicans were behind Greene's election so that Senator DeMint would face an easy foe in the fall election.However, this cynical plot would only work if the bad guy politicians had put Greene's face in front of the voters, if they got throngs of people to show up for rallies, and if they had organized a huge grass roots movement for him to help him win the election.None of these things happened. So even if you believe that some untrustworthy Republicans got his name on the ballot, how did they make him win while keeping him a secret?

Race has been a staple of political scandal, and it has come into this story. State Senator Robert Ford said that he thinks Greene won because he's an African American. (He's not the same Robert Ford who killed Jesse James). Anyway, Ford theorized that the reason Greene won was that even though nobody knew who he was, he got a huge percentage of African American votes because his name ends in an "e." According to Ford, "No white folks have an 'e' on the end of Green. The blacks after they left the plantation couldn't spell, and they threw an 'e' on the end.”

So, he's saying that when African Americans see "Greene," they think black. I don't know. When I see "purple," I don't think "orange."

Besides, what about Revolutionary War hero Nathaniel Greene, writer Graham Greene, and, of course, "Bonanza's" Lorne Greene? They were all "white folks." To make Ford's definitely bizarre and seemingly racist statement all the more interesting is that Ford is black.

If we learn that Greene is a seriously disabled man who really is unqualified for the job, it will be a sad situation. But the question will still be there: how did he get elected?

I hope it turns out that Greene is legit. I hope it's the movie plot in which the simple American citizen defeats the professional politicians just because he is a simple American citizen. On the other hand, if it turns out that chicanery has taken place in the Palmetto State, none of us will be surprised. As I said before, South Carolina is replacing the Windy City and the Land of Lincoln as the home of weird politics. In fact, this replacement might have already taken place. After all, I can't remember the last time I heard a newscaster or a late night host utter those two famous words:Rod Blagojevich.