If They Build It, People Will Complain

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We are in the midst of the biggest recall in American history. Obviously, I'm talking about eggs. Many of us have worried about this danger for years, but we were branded as "alarmists." These eggs have proven to be a huge danger to the health and vitality of our nation. Now, just to rub it in, I've heard rumors that the American Poultry And Egg Society is building a Cultural Center in Iowa. What makes it worse, is that they plan on building this only a few hundred yards from Wright County Egg -- where many of the tainted eggs came from. I don't mind the Society having a building to educate the public about chicken and eggs. However, it is incredibly insensitive of them to have the Center so close to the site of this disaster.

I don't feel I have to be politically correct when it comes to chickens. This is a democracy and the Land Of The Free and all that stuff, so we have always permitted all foods to be eaten here. However, traditionally, the United States has been a Meat Country. Beef was considered to be one of the healthiest foods. We ate red meat to get stronger. Then along came some "scientific" research that claimed that things like "cholesterol" and other invisible "dangerous" chemicals were in red meat, and that chicken was healthier for us. Oh, really? When was the last time a steer with salmonella laid an infected egg?

In American tradition, chicken and eggs are not on the same level as many other foods. For example, we eat turkey on Thanksgiving. A Christmas goose or ham is on many tables. Can you imagine there ever being a tradition in our country of having people over on Flag Day to eat an omelet?

The disease that these eggs carry, obviously, comes from hens. And how do these hens get it? They get it by eating feed that has been infiltrated by rat or mouse droppings. Even those on the political left must see this as disgusting.

The touchy-feely, latte-drinking San Francisco liberals will tell you that chickens should be treated the same way that we treat all other animals that we eat. That's a good idea in theory, but no other animal's disease has invaded our country on this scale. Half a billion -- that's billion with a B-- eggs have been recalled. To give you a visual, if you put a billion eggs end to end around the world, well, uh, it sure would make a mess.

So while it's true that the majority of chickens (and their eggs) may pose no threat to America, the threat from a minority of them is so great, that we have to be wary of all chickens. I'm not chicken-phobic, but times have changed. We must be vigilant. Those who make their living from chickens should be sensitive to this fact and put their Poultry Cultural Center somewhere other than in the middle of America's farm country. A good place might be downtown Manhattan.

I also can't help wondering if some of these eggs were smuggled into the United States from other countries. Doesn't half a billion sound like a huge number of eggs to come just from Iowa? This is something that I hope the government will look into. We should take precautions just in case our enemies are using tainted eggs to weaken the greatest nation in the world. It's just possible that we finally have an answer to that old question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" "Because there weren't enough border guards to stop him."

An American Hero?

A year from now, most people will have no idea who Stephen Slater is. However, today he's a hero to thousands of people. He's the JetBlue flight attendant who lost his temper, quit his job while on duty, grabbed some beer, activated the emergency chute, and slid to fame. Why did a guy like this become a hero to so many people?

In these economic times, it might seem strange that someone would throw away a job. I'm sure there are unemployed people and others with backbreaking jobs who can't identify at all with what Slater did. On the other hand, many people today feel that management is taking advantage of workers. Employers know how hard it is to get a job today, so they hire people at lower wages with fewer benefits. As a result, there are considerable ill feelings towards employers today.

I'm not defending what Slater did. I'm just trying to understand it. However, there are many people who are defending him, even though he broke the law. They are thrilled by the way he quit, and see him as a hero. He did what many working people fantasize doing. He put into action the words of the old Johnny Paycheck song, "Take This Job And Shove It."

There is a tradition in America to turn those who break the law into heroes. Jesse James was a folk hero. Bonnie and Clyde were, too. Don't forget D.B. Cooper. He was the guy who hijacked a plane, got $200,000 in ransom, and parachuted out of the plane with the money.

Americans don't (hero) worship just anybody who breaks the law. Those who are admired are people whose actions are audacious and aimed primarily at "the man," government, big institutions, or corporations like banks, railroads, and now airlines. If someone steals the money from the cash register of a little store, nobody is going to make that thief a hero. But if a meek doorman at Goldman Sachs ingeniously figures out a way to get into the vault and steal millions of dollars on his lunch hour, he becomes an instant hero.

I don't think it's a particularly good thing that Americans make heroes out of these people, but that's the reality. And speaking of reality, it's no surprise that there are rumors that Slater will be in a TV reality show soon. He already has a Hollywood publicist named Howard Bragman. (How perfect is "Bragman" for the name of a publicist)? According to Bragman, they're getting all kinds of show business offers, and they'll deal with them once Slater takes care of his pesky criminal charges.

I'm sure he could do commercials for all kinds of products. He could definitely help sell the kind of beer he grabbed from the plane -- Blue Moon. But if I were the head of JetBlue, I'd hire Slater and make sure that his contract was exclusive. Then I'd put him in a JetBlue flight attendant's uniform, and he'd say on camera, "Everybody makes mistakes, even JetBlue. Sometimes we're late. Sometimes we over book. Sometimes we accidentally seat you 20 rows from your three-year-old. But whenever JetBlue happens to make a mistake, I think you should forgive them -- just as JetBlue has forgiven me." Then he'd grab a couple of beers, and slide down a chute.

It's definitely the smart way to go. You see, if a big corporation like JetBlue were to forgive someone who embarrassed them like this, and if they made fun of themselves in the process, well, there's a good chance JetBlue would become a folk hero.